#22 The push and pull of parenthood

"Up we goes. Down we goes"

Tadeas P from Unsplash

The house is quiet. Just me and the pets. My husband is at work. The girls took the bus to middle school, and my son walked to high school.

And I’m having a moment.

One of those, I want to remember this forever moments.

I’m overcome with pride that my children are growing up and going out into the world, and at the same time I desperately want time to stand still and nothing to change.

Much of parenthood has been like this — a push and pull between opposing forces. There are plenty of days my heart aches because of how much I love my children, but then moments later feel overwhelm from their demanding pleas.

That was especially true in the early days when I was covered in toddlers saying, “No!” and “Stop that!” every ten seconds. After coming home from work I’d navigate an endless obstacle course of diaper changes and toy train tracks. On weekends when we could slow down and take our time, there would be squeals of delight as we made new discoveries. Back then my task was simple: keep the kids alive.

My favorite part of the day was morning. When they were still young enough to be picked up, I’d lift them out of bed while saying, “Up we goes.” It was a sweet way to welcome the day. But then inevitably they’d want to snuggle — and I did too — so we’d steal a few more moments and lay back down in bed. “Down we goes,” I’d say.

But over time as we traded sippy cups for straws, the kids started waking up on their own, and the physical demands of parenthood became cognitive ones. My children could bathe and feed themselves, but still needed help regulating emotions.

And we’re still there. Actually, we’re in the thick of adolescence and most days emotions run the gamut in our house. I hold my breath when they walk through the door after school not knowing what kind of mood they’ll be in. My son either goes straight to his room for alone time or sits down at the dining room table to start his homework. Meanwhile, my daughters vie for attention, both desperate to tell me everything about their day.

There are still hugs, but they don’t last long.

But last night they did.

As I hugged my daughter goodnight, she tightly wrapped her arms around me. After a few deep breaths and an “I love you,” I started to pull away. But she wouldn’t let me go. “Down we goes,” she said as she pulled me back to her. I paused to soak it in. Then, I started lifting my body and whispered, “Up we goes.” She wouldn’t have it. “Down we goes,” she said again as she pulled my body back to hers.

Turns out I’m not the only one caught between the push and pull of love.